We were never being boring

The side effects of parenthood are well known. From nausea in early pregnancy, swollen ankles to sleepness nights and mummy brain (when you walk into a room and can’t remember what for).  But I have yet to read anything about how being a parent can turn you into a bore overnight, especially to those friends of yours who have no children.

It starts when you give up the alcohol in pregnancy. This is already potentially the start of being a huge bore. When your friends are ordering beer you are nursing your herbal tea, hoping that the honey will make you a bit tipsy. It doesn’t.

When the baby is there, you notice that some friends just don't call you anymore. When you meet up, it is often at home, conversations snatched between scooping up baby food and nappy changing. Piled up laundry it is. Fancy free and fun it ain't. It isn't sipping cocktails in a cool bar, or checking out the latest exhibition or shopping. It's apologising as you have to put the baby to bed and might not emerge for another hour, if at all. 

Whereas you may be able to talk to other mothers for hours on end about baby food, breastfeeding and childbirth stories, this won’t wash with many of your other friends.  Why should it? You are literally cocooned in your own little baby world and by the time you emerge your friendships may have reshuffled and changed.

You don’t (in their eyes) do anything anymore. You are boring. This is a tough one to deal with, on top of the above mentioned side affects of parenting. It is creeping, underlying and often not said out loud.

In Berlin I would literally take my baby with me everywhere, to loud street parties, to open air film screenings, I didn’t think anything of riding home on the U-Bahn at 3.00 in the morning.

When you have two kids (and you move to a less cosmopolitan place like we had to), this becomes impossible. A three or four year old will not put up with this, and then you find yourself getting into their routine. Having two kids is like two to the power of four, it is just weird maths, which mean that the efforts of parenting have quadrupled rather than doubled.

In order to survive the year you have to dig in and get downright boring. Celebrate your boringness. Don’t get any hobbies, or if you must, try Suduko.

‘Get a babysitter’, come the cries from the outside of your nest, trying to rake you out of your babybore phase.

But my kids don’t get to sleep until 10pm, and I usually am asleep before them, you reply. And so it goes on. It is funny, but you can blame yourself when friendships drift apart. You don't think, heck, they could come round and chat about formula milk. You think, I have got to get out there, otherwise I am in danger of falling off the face of the earth. 

I say, give yourself a break. 

I am advocating raising the boring stakes a notch. Baby birth bore talkathons, baby poo talkalongs and baby food shaggy dog stories.

So, when you have young kids, forget upping the interest stakes by trying to be like your former all night partying former drink bingeing self or feeling you have to get a cool career to boot.  Play fire with fire by celebrating motherhood in all its glorious bore-potential.  Get down right boring. 

One day you may wake up feeling bored yourself. Then you can think about what actually interests you. Maybe your old friends are right. You have changed. You may be surprised yourself that  the things you found important before you had kids no longer interest you. In fact, you find them rather boring.

Mottephobia

In this blog I want to share with you quotes and phrases that have influenced me and followed me down the years. They are not phrases from the famous, the dead, the infamous or all three. They are things said in passing by friends that have stuck in my head and have refused to leave. When I think about that friend, a particular phrase often springs to mind. I hope they do not feel offended or exposed if I repeat them here in my blog.

“There is something about grapes that just seems to say, I was here” S.R. is the most poignant thing I have ever heard someone say about fruit. Now, whenever I see the left over grape stalks, or vine, or whatever you call them, after the grapes have been plucked off one by one and devoured, I can’t help but think of this phrase. It was said by an artist photographer friend of mine, who I have known since I was at college. Actually, I find it a quite fitting quote for a photographer, the medium that preserves in an image everything which must pass, where its carrier is the negative, at least in analogue photography, and that which is left out, is as important as that which is included. The perfect metaphor, then, for describing presence and absence.

“Sudoku is for brain dead people” J.O. otherwise known as J.E.

At the height of the Sudoku craze, there was one voice of reason. Actually this has let me off the hook ever since, as recently, when I was looking over my 6 year old son’s maths textbook, I realised I couldn’t solve the Sudoku puzzle there.  In fact, it takes just about all of my mental energy to spell the word correctly.

“Moths are Wankers” S.S. A truism, something that, perhaps, we all feel deep down in our hearts, finally given the poetic expression it deserves. It has since been immortalised by the very talented illustrator, Zeel, into badges. Who amongst us feels love for the moth? Whether it is the destruction that they vent outwardly on our clothes, the chilling appearance of their thick hairy bodies and leathery wings, or the fact that we can’t work out why, although not easily differentiated from butterflies, we hate their moth guts but get butterflies in our tummies.  Everyone harbours their own beef with the moth, don’t they? All, that is, except the “Moth-ers”, moth enthusiasts, who, believe it or not spend their free time actually observing them. They have since apparently produced their own badges which can be found on their website: www.Don’t-Mess-with-the-Moth-er-Fuckers.de.

“Make it so hot that I can’t eat it” A. Living in Berlin can be testy for foodies, you can wear down the soles of your shoes in your attempt to track down a half decent Indian meal. The trouble is, they cater for the shy tastes of Berliners. They give ‘em what they think they want: bland curry. On the whole, if the Berlin ethnic cuisine were described in half lives, originally used to describe atomic decay, they would be at least 7 half lives away from a curry in Brick Lane. And, I’m sorry to say, the friend could eat it.

“Tuna Sandwich Day” L.H. OK, not exactly a quote, but more of a lifestyle choice I think about this phrase on a regular basis. For me, it represents perhaps the kind of day that I don’t seem to be able to allow myself to have, having been involuntarily imbued in the protestant work ethic from an early age. And this, despite having no discernable career, whatsoever! Wow, how I would love to have a pyjama day, and just eat tuna fish sandwiches, and watch telly. It just seems like perfect bliss, for mother and son/s.

 So if you are ever in need of inspiration, look no further than your friends. Write your own book of quotes to keep you on the straight and narrow, and watch out for them moths!

Get your badges here: Moths are Wankers